Not that hungry

When I booked the hotel online it was rated four star and had heaps of good reviews. I am gobsmacked at the tiny windowless room. There is a small cabinet and a broken chair in the corner of the room. I drop my bag on the bed and dust literally puffs off the sheets into the air. I am supposed to spend a couple of days here and consider that I will likely only use the room for sleeping so it will be suffice.

Its 8am in the morning, I head downstairs and take a seat at the hotel restaurant, position myself by the window and watch the mix of tourists and locals go about their day. I order eggs on toast (not very cultural I know but its my first meal). The gentleman walks towards me with my food and suddenly my stomach grumbles and I realize how hungry I am. I am not prepared for what happens next. As he lowers the plate a fricking cockroach runs from under my toast up his arm and around his neck, he brushes it off with his free hand, it falls to the floor and he stamps on it laughing. My eyes are bulging from my head and I am absolutely speechless when he places the meal before me, smiles and says enjoy. What the fuck? "Excuse me" I pipe up "a cockroach was just on my plate, can you please make me a fresh meal" he literally looks at me like I just vomited all over the table "no, only cockroach, no waste, that is what you order." Disgusted I leave the food untouched, walk to the nearest cornershop and buy a packet of crisps and a chocolate bar, I shove them down my throat to stop the grumbling in my stomach and wonder how am I going to survive the whole trip.

I have been in Thailand less than an hour and so far it couldn't be any further from what I had imagined.

Virgin Traveler

I may as well have the tatoo VIRGIN TRAVELER stamped on my head because I am standing out like a sore thumb. Its getting embarrassing now. I had a slight issue at security when I realized I had a few dangerous goods in my hand luggage, by dangerous goods I mean a bottle of water and some moisturizer I forgot to put in the bag I checked in. I know I should have known better but nerves got the best of me. So not only did the bleepers go off because of my belt, my bag was searched, I was told off about trying to smuggle water and moisturizer onto a plane and then they decided they were also gonna test my bag for explosives. Luckily I was clear. Then I go to the toilet about 15 times in a row because I am literally shared shitless and then I sit in front of my gate and start to sob, the sob turns into a full blown panic attack and then I am forced into a wheelchair by someone in an unidentified uniform and escorted to a nurses office. An hour later, after being prescribed a single Valium, I am calmer and ready to board the plane. I unpack everything I need for the journey and take my seat. I then watch the mass of different individuals clamber onto the plane and wait to find out which poor soul is stuck next to me for the next 12 hours.

The Valium has an amazing effect as I slept all through take off and wake up about and hour into the flight, leaning on the poor lady next to me, dribbling on her shoulder. I apologies but she seems nice and tells me its fine. She informs me that I have woken up just in time because the cabin crew are about to serve lunch. I have heard a lot about plane food and so I am not too upset when I am delivered some tough beef strips, salty mash, yellow broccoli, a stale bread bun and fruit salad. When I think I have finished it all I get super excited when I realize there is a slice of cheese and 2 crackers that I had missed when I first frisked the tray. I go to the toilet and laugh at how ridiculously loud the flush is and do a few in flight leg exercises. Head back to my seat, choose a movie and once again fall asleep. The valium was stronger than I knew because the next thing I know I hear the captain mention something about ready for our decent into Bangkok International Airport.

The landing is smooth and we make our way to the luggage carrousel quite quickly. Remembering the advice from Fred and Jayne I ignore all the offers for a taxi and head downstairs to the transport terminal, purchase a ticket for the bus and ask the bus driver to inform me when we reach Koh San Road, his English is good and tells me its the only stop. Easy! I am full of self confidence and excitement and cannot wait to reach my first destination.

Last Minute Advice

Later that day...
 
Its 6pm and I head out to meet the generous strangers from the gym. So once again I was too optimistic the guy definitely did not wink at me, the girl he was with turns out to be his fiance and I am now sat here like a third wheel listening to their amazing trips to Asia. After about half an hour of constant blabber that I am struggling to keep up with I think they realize my boredom and turn their attention to me. "So have you booked your first nights accommodation" they ask, I inform them that I may be naive but I am not stupid I have indeed booked accommodation - the Mecure Hotel hotel for the first 3 nights, their facial expressions scare me and I am filled with the dread that I must have booked the skankiest place on the plane - I bet it has bed bugs and chalk body outlines on the floor, its probably in a deserted neighborhood with a creepy caretaker - I share these thoughts with my new 'pretend' friends and they both start laughing at me. They are shocked that I would spend so much money on a hotel in Thailand - apparently the $95 a night I have paid is extortionate and they have never paid more than $15 a night for a room. That's pretty cheap and I find that hard to believe but they promise me that after my first 3 nights I must barter with every single guest house or hotel I visit and refuse to pay more than $15 a night. I secretly make a mental note and increase my limit to $30 without telling the couple as I think I might actually offend them!

Despite the rocky start it turns out meeting with Fred and Jayne was a very sensible idea. They gave me loads of tips and have pretty much helped confirm my itinerary for the entire two weeks. They even help with my packing concerns and confirm exactly what I must have and what I really should leave behind. They give me their email addresses and I have permission to email them during my trip with any questions I may have. I like them and promise to let them know how my lone adventure goes.

I head home and sit in front of the TV with a large mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows. I flick through the movie channel with caution as I am still unable to bear nearly all chick flicks and  anything with the slightest bit of romance. I settle on Paranormal Activity and think about how brave I am sat here watching a scary movie alone and then in 2 days heading overseas alone - I do not need a man in my life, I can do this all by myself.

Two hours later and I thoroughly regret my choice of horror movie. I am going to a strange country alone and I am watching horror films, what the hell is wrong with me. Until now I have never been too bothered by horror's, but then again I don't often watch them. I am under my duvet scared stiff and wondering if there are poltergeists in Thailand, then I wonder if they are in my house - SHIT I just heard a bang downstairs! Did I? Yes  I'm sure I did... Oh God my heart is pounding and I cannot bring myself to peak from under my blanket. I literally feel sick and listen intently for any more abnormal noises, its quiet, I think I have overreacted once again...My cellphone beeps on the side of the bed and I jump a mile, my heart skips a beat and I scramble for the bedside lamp. When I finally manage to find the switch the room fills with light and I feel so much better. I decide to quickly look downstairs to put my mind at rest. I take my tallest stiletto's from the cupboard and walk downstairs with the 6 inch heel pointing outwards (I'm not sure what I am thinking right now, is it possible to stab a ghost with a shoe?) I'm safe, nothing downstairs, I hurry back to my bed and check my phone. Its Eva informing me that in 48 hours I will be en-route to tropical paradise. I am still shaking from my self-inflicted scare and decide to pop a sleeping pill. Twenty minutes later I am snoring and dreaming of sunshine and beaches.

Lack of experience

1st June
 
Holy Shit I cant believe I am going to Thailand this week! This is so out of character for me and although I am nervously shitting myself and on a rollercoaster of excitement and outright fear it really has given me something else to constantly worry about other than my heartless ex! So far I have had no more crying and only angry thoughts, my deal is treating me well.

I am such a virgin at this type of stuff and think I may have gone slightly overboard with my 'list of things to take' as it is now 3 pages long and I only have one 60 liter backpack. The essentials that I require for my safety have been slimmed down to just a pocket knife and rape alarm that I plan to carry with me every minute of the day. I know I have too many clothes and toiletries and I should really leave the electricals at home. Eva tells me not to take my GHD's. That it will be so hot and humid that my hair will never stay straight anyway but these are my lifeline. Its very rare I go anywhere without spending some much needed time with my straighteners. 

The trouble with packing is I honestly love everything I own  and see each item essential to my day to day life. How can you possible choose which tops, shoes, bikinis, jewellery, books, toiletries to leave behind.

I decide that I don't need to finish packing until tomorrow and head to the gym for another serious workout (by serious I mean half an hour at walking pace on the cross trainer, barely breaking into a sweat!) I also tell anyone who even looks in my direction that I am going traveling to Thailand this week, to my surprise a couple of strangers actually start up a conversation with me and tell me they have visited the apparently not so scary country many times. They give me their number and ever so kindly offer to go for a coffee or drink to give me all the tips I need - I think they are worried about my naivety and complete lack of knowledge. Nevertheless I decide I will meet them later and allow them to fill my brain with all the information I need to stay safe whilst seeing the best sights! As I leave the gym and thank them I swear the guy winked at me. In reality he probably had something in his eye, or more likely suffers with a twitch, but because I am feeling better than I have in ages I allow myself to believe he winked at me and walk home smiling to myself.

A step forward

29th May

The reply message never came - I felt so optimistic when I pressed send, then I feel stupid and worthless and now I am just angry. I at least deserve some acknowledgment the Ignorant Shit!
Yesterday whilst I was having a pitiful cry in the shower I realized that I'm going to become a completely different person in a completely different life to the one I had just a month ago and I miss him. The problem is I was very happy a month ago, very happy with him and our planned future. The new way of living without his security is going to be so different and change has always scared the shit out of me. I like my comfort zone and like knowing every detail around me is secure and safe and somehow I am now going to bloody Asia, how the hell has all this happened to me?!

Anyway after my little cry I decided I do not want to cry about him anymore and that I don't want to feel like this again. I can cry about uncertainty and I can cry if I'm scared. I can cry if I am happy and I can cry at a sad movie. I can cry if I hurt myself BUT I cannot cry about him! I made a deal with myself that these were the last tears I would shed about him and I plan to follow through with it!


I liked this new deal I had struck with myself so I decided to add one more. Not to try and contact him again. Instead I will focus on my anger and how he dare ignore me and treat me like I am a nobody. He doesn't deserve my time or my energy or even my thoughts for that matter.

I am feeling strong and plan to focus on my trip and the future and not on the past that I cannot change!


  

Still waiting

27th May

Another day passes and he still doesn't reply. This feels super shit!

Waiting on a memory

26th May

I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Today I text my ex and told him about my new planned adventure. I think its because I am so used to sharing everything with him, everything I did, everything I thought and now I have planned something crazy I want to share my excitement and fear with him. I think I also secretly want him to find my new confidence attractive and I want to talk to him and see how he is feeling.

I keep checking my phone every half hour - the entire day passes and so does the night, no reply