29th May
The reply message never came - I felt so optimistic when I pressed send, then I feel stupid and worthless and now I am just angry. I at least deserve some acknowledgment the Ignorant Shit!
Yesterday whilst I was having a pitiful cry in the shower I realized that I'm going to become a completely different person in a completely different life to the one I had just a
month ago and I miss him. The problem is I was very happy a month ago, very
happy with him and our planned future. The new way of living without his
security is going to be so different and change has always scared the shit out
of me. I like my comfort zone and like knowing every detail around me is secure
and safe and somehow I am now going to bloody Asia, how the hell has all this
happened to me?!
Anyway after my little cry I
decided I do not want to cry about him anymore and that I don't want to feel like this again. I can cry about uncertainty and
I can cry if I'm scared. I can cry if I am happy and I can cry at a sad movie.
I can cry if I hurt myself BUT I cannot cry about him! I made a deal with
myself that these were the last tears I would shed about him and I plan to
follow through with it!
I liked this new deal I had struck with myself so I decided to add one more. Not to try and contact him again. Instead I will focus on my anger and how he dare ignore me and treat me like I am a nobody. He doesn't deserve my time or my energy or even my thoughts for that matter.
I am feeling strong and plan to focus on my trip and the future and not on the past that I cannot change!
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