Last Minute Advice

Later that day...
 
Its 6pm and I head out to meet the generous strangers from the gym. So once again I was too optimistic the guy definitely did not wink at me, the girl he was with turns out to be his fiance and I am now sat here like a third wheel listening to their amazing trips to Asia. After about half an hour of constant blabber that I am struggling to keep up with I think they realize my boredom and turn their attention to me. "So have you booked your first nights accommodation" they ask, I inform them that I may be naive but I am not stupid I have indeed booked accommodation - the Mecure Hotel hotel for the first 3 nights, their facial expressions scare me and I am filled with the dread that I must have booked the skankiest place on the plane - I bet it has bed bugs and chalk body outlines on the floor, its probably in a deserted neighborhood with a creepy caretaker - I share these thoughts with my new 'pretend' friends and they both start laughing at me. They are shocked that I would spend so much money on a hotel in Thailand - apparently the $95 a night I have paid is extortionate and they have never paid more than $15 a night for a room. That's pretty cheap and I find that hard to believe but they promise me that after my first 3 nights I must barter with every single guest house or hotel I visit and refuse to pay more than $15 a night. I secretly make a mental note and increase my limit to $30 without telling the couple as I think I might actually offend them!

Despite the rocky start it turns out meeting with Fred and Jayne was a very sensible idea. They gave me loads of tips and have pretty much helped confirm my itinerary for the entire two weeks. They even help with my packing concerns and confirm exactly what I must have and what I really should leave behind. They give me their email addresses and I have permission to email them during my trip with any questions I may have. I like them and promise to let them know how my lone adventure goes.

I head home and sit in front of the TV with a large mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows. I flick through the movie channel with caution as I am still unable to bear nearly all chick flicks and  anything with the slightest bit of romance. I settle on Paranormal Activity and think about how brave I am sat here watching a scary movie alone and then in 2 days heading overseas alone - I do not need a man in my life, I can do this all by myself.

Two hours later and I thoroughly regret my choice of horror movie. I am going to a strange country alone and I am watching horror films, what the hell is wrong with me. Until now I have never been too bothered by horror's, but then again I don't often watch them. I am under my duvet scared stiff and wondering if there are poltergeists in Thailand, then I wonder if they are in my house - SHIT I just heard a bang downstairs! Did I? Yes  I'm sure I did... Oh God my heart is pounding and I cannot bring myself to peak from under my blanket. I literally feel sick and listen intently for any more abnormal noises, its quiet, I think I have overreacted once again...My cellphone beeps on the side of the bed and I jump a mile, my heart skips a beat and I scramble for the bedside lamp. When I finally manage to find the switch the room fills with light and I feel so much better. I decide to quickly look downstairs to put my mind at rest. I take my tallest stiletto's from the cupboard and walk downstairs with the 6 inch heel pointing outwards (I'm not sure what I am thinking right now, is it possible to stab a ghost with a shoe?) I'm safe, nothing downstairs, I hurry back to my bed and check my phone. Its Eva informing me that in 48 hours I will be en-route to tropical paradise. I am still shaking from my self-inflicted scare and decide to pop a sleeping pill. Twenty minutes later I am snoring and dreaming of sunshine and beaches.

Lack of experience

1st June
 
Holy Shit I cant believe I am going to Thailand this week! This is so out of character for me and although I am nervously shitting myself and on a rollercoaster of excitement and outright fear it really has given me something else to constantly worry about other than my heartless ex! So far I have had no more crying and only angry thoughts, my deal is treating me well.

I am such a virgin at this type of stuff and think I may have gone slightly overboard with my 'list of things to take' as it is now 3 pages long and I only have one 60 liter backpack. The essentials that I require for my safety have been slimmed down to just a pocket knife and rape alarm that I plan to carry with me every minute of the day. I know I have too many clothes and toiletries and I should really leave the electricals at home. Eva tells me not to take my GHD's. That it will be so hot and humid that my hair will never stay straight anyway but these are my lifeline. Its very rare I go anywhere without spending some much needed time with my straighteners. 

The trouble with packing is I honestly love everything I own  and see each item essential to my day to day life. How can you possible choose which tops, shoes, bikinis, jewellery, books, toiletries to leave behind.

I decide that I don't need to finish packing until tomorrow and head to the gym for another serious workout (by serious I mean half an hour at walking pace on the cross trainer, barely breaking into a sweat!) I also tell anyone who even looks in my direction that I am going traveling to Thailand this week, to my surprise a couple of strangers actually start up a conversation with me and tell me they have visited the apparently not so scary country many times. They give me their number and ever so kindly offer to go for a coffee or drink to give me all the tips I need - I think they are worried about my naivety and complete lack of knowledge. Nevertheless I decide I will meet them later and allow them to fill my brain with all the information I need to stay safe whilst seeing the best sights! As I leave the gym and thank them I swear the guy winked at me. In reality he probably had something in his eye, or more likely suffers with a twitch, but because I am feeling better than I have in ages I allow myself to believe he winked at me and walk home smiling to myself.

A step forward

29th May

The reply message never came - I felt so optimistic when I pressed send, then I feel stupid and worthless and now I am just angry. I at least deserve some acknowledgment the Ignorant Shit!
Yesterday whilst I was having a pitiful cry in the shower I realized that I'm going to become a completely different person in a completely different life to the one I had just a month ago and I miss him. The problem is I was very happy a month ago, very happy with him and our planned future. The new way of living without his security is going to be so different and change has always scared the shit out of me. I like my comfort zone and like knowing every detail around me is secure and safe and somehow I am now going to bloody Asia, how the hell has all this happened to me?!

Anyway after my little cry I decided I do not want to cry about him anymore and that I don't want to feel like this again. I can cry about uncertainty and I can cry if I'm scared. I can cry if I am happy and I can cry at a sad movie. I can cry if I hurt myself BUT I cannot cry about him! I made a deal with myself that these were the last tears I would shed about him and I plan to follow through with it!


I liked this new deal I had struck with myself so I decided to add one more. Not to try and contact him again. Instead I will focus on my anger and how he dare ignore me and treat me like I am a nobody. He doesn't deserve my time or my energy or even my thoughts for that matter.

I am feeling strong and plan to focus on my trip and the future and not on the past that I cannot change!


  

Still waiting

27th May

Another day passes and he still doesn't reply. This feels super shit!

Waiting on a memory

26th May

I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Today I text my ex and told him about my new planned adventure. I think its because I am so used to sharing everything with him, everything I did, everything I thought and now I have planned something crazy I want to share my excitement and fear with him. I think I also secretly want him to find my new confidence attractive and I want to talk to him and see how he is feeling.

I keep checking my phone every half hour - the entire day passes and so does the night, no reply

Time for new scenery

25th May

I wake up tired and confused. Luckily I do not seem to have a hangover despite the amount of alcohol consumption last night. My eyes are sore and swollen from the unnecessary crying and Eva is still flat out, snoring on her back. I also have a slight sense of dread - last night I promised myself I would book a holiday overseas to get away from all the bad memories that are living right on my doorstep, this scares me a lot.

I fix a strong cup of tea and throw some bacon in the frying pan. I fire up the internet and search "holidays to get over a break up". I somehow end up in a forum full of vulnerable, single females pouring their hearts out to complete strangers. I read many stories of how these poor women got their hearts broken and how they are all struggling to move on and see the good side of life. I instantly feel like I belong and get comfortable, 5 minutes later the smoke alarm is screeching loudly and I realize the kitchen is full of smoke, Eva wakes up coughing violently as I rush to the frying pan. Shit, talk about crispy bacon - our breakfast is cremated. Eva convinces me we should head out for breakfast, to which I agree but just want to spend another 5 minutes reading these familiar tales. I don't know what it is about reading about other peoples pain and heartache but it instantly made me feel a lot better. It made me realize I am not alone in feeling like a completely useless woman - all around the world people are being dumped, taking acting and getting over things. Hmmmm inspiring stuff.

After a full English breakfast and way too much coffee Eva ushers me into the local travel agent. I don't want to enter but know better than to argue with my best friend. She casual swans towards to brochures and continues to pick up one of every single destination - and there are shitloads. I watch in horror (as do all the travel consultants) as she cruises back to me carrying approximately 30 full colored holiday brochures. "Can I help", someone gulps from behind the counter, Eva sternly tells the nice lady that she's got it covered and I chase her down the street almost laughing at what an idiot she is.

A few hours later we have ripped out pages and circled numerous suitable destinations whilst internet searching flight prices to each. Despite my efforts explaining how I think I need beeches, snorkeling and sunshine to relax, Eva has kindly corrected my misgivings and circled only places that include trekking, discovery and adventure - apparently its better for me to keep busy than relax. She has a point though, and I know it, should I be lounging on a beach in some tropical paradise I will only be aware of all the happy couples that have chosen the same place to celebrate their wedding or honeymoon. We decide the most appropriate country that will have ample adventure but also beaches should I still want one is Thailand. Eva tells me loads of people travel there each year and most of them go by themselves. She brings up heaps of blogs, photos and articles to prove her point. "Fuck it" I tell her "book my flight". I can see she is skeptical and didn't expect me to go without a fight but she also doesn't second guess me, twenty minutes later I have a return ticket to Bangkok for 10 days time in my inbox. I am shitting myself but nevertheless slightly excited and now I have something meaningful to do each day until I go - research, get my stuff together, pack and prepare. We spent the rest of the night researching online until we realize its 11pm and we haven't even had dinner, Eva leaves, I head to bed but cant sleep. I lie there anxious and excited, nervous and roused, this is so out of character for me - when I eventually drifted off to sleep I dream of being chased by elephants and tigers through the jungle when I finally stumble upon a small, hidden village. The tribesmen wave me over and I feel like I have been saved. I run straight into their communal area when the Chief puts a reassuring hand on my should, I've been saved I think to myself, only to realize they are cannibals and there are skulls and bones everywhere. I wake up sweating and shaking - God I'm dramatic I think to myself, knowing the dream was ridiculous and very far fetched, still I struggle to go back to sleep nervous about what waits in Thailand.

A Night Out

24th May

So despite my initial panic that my muscles would never loosen and I would be crippled with post-gym pain for the rest of my life, I recovered and have also returned. Not to the boxing class - I vow I will never inflict that much damage upon my body ever again, but I went to the gym and kept it nice and easy with a few hours on the exercise machines and my endorphins have risen so much that for at least half an hour a day I am actually forgetting that I have a broken heart.

I have failed to inform you why, during this time where I am nursing myself into a normal state, I am not working like every other sane adult on the planet. I am supposed to be on a 6 week holiday traveling the Caribbean with twatface, ironically we were meant to leave the day he shat on our relationship and walked out. I couldn't face going alone and so stupidly decided it would be better to lose all the money I had invested into the trip, avoid the hot weather, beautiful beaches, cocktails and sunsets and stay at home alone instead.

I am sitting in front of my full length mirror examining the wrinkles on my face. I swear there are at least 4 more lines on my face compared to a few weeks back. Sometimes when I look into the mirror I am never quite sure what I am expecting to see and get a slight shock by the person who is staring back at me. I mean not always, but sometimes I kind of expect a slightly younger, better looking, happier version of me, and I somewhat disappointing with reality. Today is one of those days, however I am heading out tonight so have a great excuse to fancy up my hair and face and pretend I am 10 years younger!

It is with such precision that I apply each of my 10 piece make up regime. I also wash, dry and tong my hair. Men get it so easy! All they need to do is shower and put on a new shirt, they don't seem to worry about their features, their eyelashes looking thin, eyebrows being messy or if there's enough bronzer on their cheeks. They also don't seem to have the same inability to choose an outfit from the wardrobe. I suffer from a disorder which does not allow me to leave the house after trying on the very first outfit. I have to create a selection and then with all my outfits spread on my bed narrow it down to between 3 - 5. I then have to try each one on, with various shoes and prance about in-front of my mirror. I check out how it looks if I am seated, standing and finally dancing with my arms in the air. It is so time consuming and half of the time I end up deciding on the first outfit 45 minutes after I initially picked it out of the closet. This of course is exactly what happens this evening. I settle on a pair of skinny black jeans, black stilettos and a gorgeous green low cut top. I am pretty happy with the end result and realize if I spent 2 hours each morning getting ready I would probably be a lot more satisfied with the lady in the mirror,  I also realize that 2 hours each morning is extremely unrealistic and a slight waste of time.

The DubClub is busy we hover near the dance floor and watch in wonder at so many pissed youngsters so early in the evening. Its about 9.30pm and honestly, some of these people cant even hold themselves up. Eva is not quite herself I can tell she is very wary about me and eyeballing me a little too much. "Shots?" I ask hoping she will relax with a little more alcohol. A few rounds later and it works, we are propped at the bar chatting to a group of 19 year olds, asking them how they can possibly be old enough to be allowed in a club and do their parents know where they are? Its amusing and they think we are hilarious, which only encourages us further, we do another round of shots with them and decide to leave when the Justin Beiber lookalike puts his hand on Eva's arse.

Following the sound of 80's classics we trawl into The Bar to find it suits us much better. Not too many people, even less youngsters and plenty of places to sit (ouch we are getting old!). We are happily putting the world to right, bantering and slurring and generally having a great time when I feel the hot iron rod slice straight through my heart. The pain is unbearable, I feel like my organs are all exploding one at a time. I cant breathe and think I am going to throw up. He's here and has his hands all over some tall blonde. My eyes well up and I can see Eva's eyes dart around the room trying to find the source of my hysteria. It doesn't take her long, she spots the Devil and his Evil Witch and warns me to stay put. She marches straight over and I want to yell for her to stop but I am actually paralyzed. I watch her, in what seems like slow motion, pull them both apart and slap him full force across the face. As his face is smashed towards my direction I realize something doesn't look right. I spent years studying every single feature on his handsome face but at this moment in time I don't recognize any of them - can you really forget a face that quickly? I'm confused when it hits me like a punch in the stomach -  FUCK it's not him! The blonde grabs Eva's hair and yanks her to the floor, I see her stumble onto her knees, grovelling and apologizing continually. I on the otherhand have sunk underneath the table. I am completely overwhelmed, flooded with relief but still feeling the real pain sobbing like a baby. Eva grabs me, pulls me from the table and with a look of shock and humor tells us we're leaving right now and literally pushes me out the door. We quickly dart into a nearby alleyway when she looks at me, I am blubbering and shaking, and just as she goes to say something, bursts into uncontrollable laughter. The next 5 minutes pass with me shifting from laughter to tears and back to laughter again, whilst Eva is still in absolute hysterics. Once she has calmed down, we buy a kebab and get a taxi back to my place.

As we sober up, huddled under a blanket on my couch, we are still trying to work out how Eva slapped an innocent man in the face. How could I mistake a complete stranger for the person I know inside out, we decide that in fact I did not know him well enough hence the sharp unexpected exit he took from my life. Even though it was a false alarm I realized tonight how people really can die from a broken heart. That minute of pain I felt in The Bar was so real, so fierce, so suffocating I knew I had to avoid any chance of feeling like that again. Eva suggests I book another holiday, a last minute trip to get away from this place I know so well, with so many memories and explore a little and relax overseas. I like the idea and promise myself that tomorrow I will look into options and try to escape if only for a little while.