Monday 22 July 2013
Last Minute Advice
Later that day...
Its 6pm and I head out to meet the generous strangers from the gym. So once again I was too optimistic the guy definitely did not wink at me, the girl he was with turns out to be his fiance and I am now sat here like a third wheel listening to their amazing trips to Asia. After about half an hour of constant blabber that I am struggling to keep up with I think they realize my boredom and turn their attention to me. "So have you booked your first nights accommodation" they ask, I inform them that I may be naive but I am not stupid I have indeed booked accommodation - the Mecure Hotel hotel for the first 3 nights, their facial expressions scare me and I am filled with the dread that I must have booked the skankiest place on the plane - I bet it has bed bugs and chalk body outlines on the floor, its probably in a deserted neighborhood with a creepy caretaker - I share these thoughts with my new 'pretend' friends and they both start laughing at me. They are shocked that I would spend so much money on a hotel in Thailand - apparently the $95 a night I have paid is extortionate and they have never paid more than $15 a night for a room. That's pretty cheap and I find that hard to believe but they promise me that after my first 3 nights I must barter with every single guest house or hotel I visit and refuse to pay more than $15 a night. I secretly make a mental note and increase my limit to $30 without telling the couple as I think I might actually offend them!
Despite the rocky start it turns out meeting with Fred and Jayne was a very sensible idea. They gave me loads of tips and have pretty much helped confirm my itinerary for the entire two weeks. They even help with my packing concerns and confirm exactly what I must have and what I really should leave behind. They give me their email addresses and I have permission to email them during my trip with any questions I may have. I like them and promise to let them know how my lone adventure goes.
I head home and sit in front of the TV with a large mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows. I flick through the movie channel with caution as I am still unable to bear nearly all chick flicks and anything with the slightest bit of romance. I settle on Paranormal Activity and think about how brave I am sat here watching a scary movie alone and then in 2 days heading overseas alone - I do not need a man in my life, I can do this all by myself.
Two hours later and I thoroughly regret my choice of horror movie. I am going to a strange country alone and I am watching horror films, what the hell is wrong with me. Until now I have never been too bothered by horror's, but then again I don't often watch them. I am under my duvet scared stiff and wondering if there are poltergeists in Thailand, then I wonder if they are in my house - SHIT I just heard a bang downstairs! Did I? Yes I'm sure I did... Oh God my heart is pounding and I cannot bring myself to peak from under my blanket. I literally feel sick and listen intently for any more abnormal noises, its quiet, I think I have overreacted once again...My cellphone beeps on the side of the bed and I jump a mile, my heart skips a beat and I scramble for the bedside lamp. When I finally manage to find the switch the room fills with light and I feel so much better. I decide to quickly look downstairs to put my mind at rest. I take my tallest stiletto's from the cupboard and walk downstairs with the 6 inch heel pointing outwards (I'm not sure what I am thinking right now, is it possible to stab a ghost with a shoe?) I'm safe, nothing downstairs, I hurry back to my bed and check my phone. Its Eva informing me that in 48 hours I will be en-route to tropical paradise. I am still shaking from my self-inflicted scare and decide to pop a sleeping pill. Twenty minutes later I am snoring and dreaming of sunshine and beaches.
Sunday 14 July 2013
Lack of experience
1st June
Holy Shit I cant believe I am going to Thailand this week! This is so out of character for me and although I am nervously shitting myself and on a rollercoaster of excitement and outright fear it really has given me something else to constantly worry about other than my heartless ex! So far I have had no more crying and only angry thoughts, my deal is treating me well.
I am such a virgin at this type of stuff and think I may have gone slightly overboard with my 'list of things to take' as it is now 3 pages long and I only have one 60 liter backpack. The essentials that I require for my safety have been slimmed down to just a pocket knife and rape alarm that I plan to carry with me every minute of the day. I know I have too many clothes and toiletries and I should really leave the electricals at home. Eva tells me not to take my GHD's. That it will be so hot and humid that my hair will never stay straight anyway but these are my lifeline. Its very rare I go anywhere without spending some much needed time with my straighteners.
The trouble with packing is I honestly love everything I own and see each item essential to my day to day life. How can you possible choose which tops, shoes, bikinis, jewellery, books, toiletries to leave behind.
I decide that I don't need to finish packing until tomorrow and head to the gym for another serious workout (by serious I mean half an hour at walking pace on the cross trainer, barely breaking into a sweat!) I also tell anyone who even looks in my direction that I am going traveling to Thailand this week, to my surprise a couple of strangers actually start up a conversation with me and tell me they have visited the apparently not so scary country many times. They give me their number and ever so kindly offer to go for a coffee or drink to give me all the tips I need - I think they are worried about my naivety and complete lack of knowledge. Nevertheless I decide I will meet them later and allow them to fill my brain with all the information I need to stay safe whilst seeing the best sights! As I leave the gym and thank them I swear the guy winked at me. In reality he probably had something in his eye, or more likely suffers with a twitch, but because I am feeling better than I have in ages I allow myself to believe he winked at me and walk home smiling to myself.
A step forward
29th May
The reply message never came - I felt so optimistic when I pressed send, then I feel stupid and worthless and now I am just angry. I at least deserve some acknowledgment the Ignorant Shit!
Yesterday whilst I was having a pitiful cry in the shower I realized that I'm going to become a completely different person in a completely different life to the one I had just a month ago and I miss him. The problem is I was very happy a month ago, very happy with him and our planned future. The new way of living without his security is going to be so different and change has always scared the shit out of me. I like my comfort zone and like knowing every detail around me is secure and safe and somehow I am now going to bloody Asia, how the hell has all this happened to me?!
Anyway after my little cry I decided I do not want to cry about him anymore and that I don't want to feel like this again. I can cry about uncertainty and I can cry if I'm scared. I can cry if I am happy and I can cry at a sad movie. I can cry if I hurt myself BUT I cannot cry about him! I made a deal with myself that these were the last tears I would shed about him and I plan to follow through with it!
I liked this new deal I had struck with myself so I decided to add one more. Not to try and contact him again. Instead I will focus on my anger and how he dare ignore me and treat me like I am a nobody. He doesn't deserve my time or my energy or even my thoughts for that matter.
I am feeling strong and plan to focus on my trip and the future and not on the past that I cannot change!
The reply message never came - I felt so optimistic when I pressed send, then I feel stupid and worthless and now I am just angry. I at least deserve some acknowledgment the Ignorant Shit!
Yesterday whilst I was having a pitiful cry in the shower I realized that I'm going to become a completely different person in a completely different life to the one I had just a month ago and I miss him. The problem is I was very happy a month ago, very happy with him and our planned future. The new way of living without his security is going to be so different and change has always scared the shit out of me. I like my comfort zone and like knowing every detail around me is secure and safe and somehow I am now going to bloody Asia, how the hell has all this happened to me?!
Anyway after my little cry I decided I do not want to cry about him anymore and that I don't want to feel like this again. I can cry about uncertainty and I can cry if I'm scared. I can cry if I am happy and I can cry at a sad movie. I can cry if I hurt myself BUT I cannot cry about him! I made a deal with myself that these were the last tears I would shed about him and I plan to follow through with it!
I liked this new deal I had struck with myself so I decided to add one more. Not to try and contact him again. Instead I will focus on my anger and how he dare ignore me and treat me like I am a nobody. He doesn't deserve my time or my energy or even my thoughts for that matter.
I am feeling strong and plan to focus on my trip and the future and not on the past that I cannot change!
Waiting on a memory
26th May
I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Today I text my ex and told him about my new planned adventure. I think its because I am so used to sharing everything with him, everything I did, everything I thought and now I have planned something crazy I want to share my excitement and fear with him. I think I also secretly want him to find my new confidence attractive and I want to talk to him and see how he is feeling.
I keep checking my phone every half hour - the entire day passes and so does the night, no reply
I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Today I text my ex and told him about my new planned adventure. I think its because I am so used to sharing everything with him, everything I did, everything I thought and now I have planned something crazy I want to share my excitement and fear with him. I think I also secretly want him to find my new confidence attractive and I want to talk to him and see how he is feeling.
I keep checking my phone every half hour - the entire day passes and so does the night, no reply
Thursday 4 July 2013
Time for new scenery
25th May
I wake up tired and confused. Luckily I do not seem to have a hangover despite the amount of alcohol consumption last night. My eyes are sore and swollen from the unnecessary crying and Eva is still flat out, snoring on her back. I also have a slight sense of dread - last night I promised myself I would book a holiday overseas to get away from all the bad memories that are living right on my doorstep, this scares me a lot.
I fix a strong cup of tea and throw some bacon in the frying pan. I fire up the internet and search "holidays to get over a break up". I somehow end up in a forum full of vulnerable, single females pouring their hearts out to complete strangers. I read many stories of how these poor women got their hearts broken and how they are all struggling to move on and see the good side of life. I instantly feel like I belong and get comfortable, 5 minutes later the smoke alarm is screeching loudly and I realize the kitchen is full of smoke, Eva wakes up coughing violently as I rush to the frying pan. Shit, talk about crispy bacon - our breakfast is cremated. Eva convinces me we should head out for breakfast, to which I agree but just want to spend another 5 minutes reading these familiar tales. I don't know what it is about reading about other peoples pain and heartache but it instantly made me feel a lot better. It made me realize I am not alone in feeling like a completely useless woman - all around the world people are being dumped, taking acting and getting over things. Hmmmm inspiring stuff.
After a full English breakfast and way too much coffee Eva ushers me into the local travel agent. I don't want to enter but know better than to argue with my best friend. She casual swans towards to brochures and continues to pick up one of every single destination - and there are shitloads. I watch in horror (as do all the travel consultants) as she cruises back to me carrying approximately 30 full colored holiday brochures. "Can I help", someone gulps from behind the counter, Eva sternly tells the nice lady that she's got it covered and I chase her down the street almost laughing at what an idiot she is.
A few hours later we have ripped out pages and circled numerous suitable destinations whilst internet searching flight prices to each. Despite my efforts explaining how I think I need beeches, snorkeling and sunshine to relax, Eva has kindly corrected my misgivings and circled only places that include trekking, discovery and adventure - apparently its better for me to keep busy than relax. She has a point though, and I know it, should I be lounging on a beach in some tropical paradise I will only be aware of all the happy couples that have chosen the same place to celebrate their wedding or honeymoon. We decide the most appropriate country that will have ample adventure but also beaches should I still want one is Thailand. Eva tells me loads of people travel there each year and most of them go by themselves. She brings up heaps of blogs, photos and articles to prove her point. "Fuck it" I tell her "book my flight". I can see she is skeptical and didn't expect me to go without a fight but she also doesn't second guess me, twenty minutes later I have a return ticket to Bangkok for 10 days time in my inbox. I am shitting myself but nevertheless slightly excited and now I have something meaningful to do each day until I go - research, get my stuff together, pack and prepare. We spent the rest of the night researching online until we realize its 11pm and we haven't even had dinner, Eva leaves, I head to bed but cant sleep. I lie there anxious and excited, nervous and roused, this is so out of character for me - when I eventually drifted off to sleep I dream of being chased by elephants and tigers through the jungle when I finally stumble upon a small, hidden village. The tribesmen wave me over and I feel like I have been saved. I run straight into their communal area when the Chief puts a reassuring hand on my should, I've been saved I think to myself, only to realize they are cannibals and there are skulls and bones everywhere. I wake up sweating and shaking - God I'm dramatic I think to myself, knowing the dream was ridiculous and very far fetched, still I struggle to go back to sleep nervous about what waits in Thailand.
I wake up tired and confused. Luckily I do not seem to have a hangover despite the amount of alcohol consumption last night. My eyes are sore and swollen from the unnecessary crying and Eva is still flat out, snoring on her back. I also have a slight sense of dread - last night I promised myself I would book a holiday overseas to get away from all the bad memories that are living right on my doorstep, this scares me a lot.
I fix a strong cup of tea and throw some bacon in the frying pan. I fire up the internet and search "holidays to get over a break up". I somehow end up in a forum full of vulnerable, single females pouring their hearts out to complete strangers. I read many stories of how these poor women got their hearts broken and how they are all struggling to move on and see the good side of life. I instantly feel like I belong and get comfortable, 5 minutes later the smoke alarm is screeching loudly and I realize the kitchen is full of smoke, Eva wakes up coughing violently as I rush to the frying pan. Shit, talk about crispy bacon - our breakfast is cremated. Eva convinces me we should head out for breakfast, to which I agree but just want to spend another 5 minutes reading these familiar tales. I don't know what it is about reading about other peoples pain and heartache but it instantly made me feel a lot better. It made me realize I am not alone in feeling like a completely useless woman - all around the world people are being dumped, taking acting and getting over things. Hmmmm inspiring stuff.
After a full English breakfast and way too much coffee Eva ushers me into the local travel agent. I don't want to enter but know better than to argue with my best friend. She casual swans towards to brochures and continues to pick up one of every single destination - and there are shitloads. I watch in horror (as do all the travel consultants) as she cruises back to me carrying approximately 30 full colored holiday brochures. "Can I help", someone gulps from behind the counter, Eva sternly tells the nice lady that she's got it covered and I chase her down the street almost laughing at what an idiot she is.
A few hours later we have ripped out pages and circled numerous suitable destinations whilst internet searching flight prices to each. Despite my efforts explaining how I think I need beeches, snorkeling and sunshine to relax, Eva has kindly corrected my misgivings and circled only places that include trekking, discovery and adventure - apparently its better for me to keep busy than relax. She has a point though, and I know it, should I be lounging on a beach in some tropical paradise I will only be aware of all the happy couples that have chosen the same place to celebrate their wedding or honeymoon. We decide the most appropriate country that will have ample adventure but also beaches should I still want one is Thailand. Eva tells me loads of people travel there each year and most of them go by themselves. She brings up heaps of blogs, photos and articles to prove her point. "Fuck it" I tell her "book my flight". I can see she is skeptical and didn't expect me to go without a fight but she also doesn't second guess me, twenty minutes later I have a return ticket to Bangkok for 10 days time in my inbox. I am shitting myself but nevertheless slightly excited and now I have something meaningful to do each day until I go - research, get my stuff together, pack and prepare. We spent the rest of the night researching online until we realize its 11pm and we haven't even had dinner, Eva leaves, I head to bed but cant sleep. I lie there anxious and excited, nervous and roused, this is so out of character for me - when I eventually drifted off to sleep I dream of being chased by elephants and tigers through the jungle when I finally stumble upon a small, hidden village. The tribesmen wave me over and I feel like I have been saved. I run straight into their communal area when the Chief puts a reassuring hand on my should, I've been saved I think to myself, only to realize they are cannibals and there are skulls and bones everywhere. I wake up sweating and shaking - God I'm dramatic I think to myself, knowing the dream was ridiculous and very far fetched, still I struggle to go back to sleep nervous about what waits in Thailand.
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